WhiteCoat Underground

I could tell it was going to be a long day. When I walked into the office, one secretary was sobbing, the other bent over the garbage can, emitting pitiful retching noises. In and of itself, that wasn’t too abnormal. What tipped me off was the incense and fruit at the new altar to Gary Null in the waiting room. I shook my head, walked into the back, and donned my white coat.I entered the first exam room. A healthy-appearing male sat on the exam table…
“What seems to be the trouble today?”
“A dialectical conflict,” he answered mysteriously.
“What do you mean?”
“Mean? Mean? Discursively or ontologically?”
“I actually just meant how do you feel?”
“These types of questions are inherently oppressive, in that they limit the boundaries of “feeling” in the sense of…”
Interrupting as politely as possible, I lifted up my stethoscope and said, “Me doctor…doc-tor.”
“Meaning is hegemony! Hegemony is meaning!”
“I’ll tell you what…I’m going to call Ann Arbor for an interpreter; then I’ll be back.”

I backed out of the room and moved on to Exam 2.
“So, my nurse says you need your flu shot and pneumonia vaccine today?”
“The Cuttlefish has
crossed the nation
and found, in spite of education
(or lack thereof) as you can see
lots of vaccine crankery.
The richer and the better known,
the more to this that they are prone.”
“Um, so what brings you here, then?”
In blessed prose, he answered, “Oh, yeah, just the shots, thanks.”

After administering the syringe full of mercury-tainted poisons disease prevention, I moved on.

Sitting in exam room three was a cerebral-looking fellow. He was looking around, touching the table, sink, boxes of tongue depressors.

“So, how are you today?” I asked.
“Oh, OK. I think that I may have experienced a discontinuity. You know, a change in quantum state.”
“Well, I’ve been a doctor a long time, and except for the mechanisms of various diagnostic equipment, I’m not sure how quantum physics really applies to anything I do. Classical physics usually works just fine.”
“Then how do you explain…THIS!” He rises rapidly, sneezes, blinks, and sits.
“Um, what?”
“I just sneezed, but my mind was also thinking about pizza. Also, I knew I was going to sneeze moments before it happened. To explain this type of complexity, quantum states must be invoked!”
“Ohhh..kaay…”
He stared at me intently: “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”
I backed out slowly, loosening my collar.

I went back to Exam 1. A new patient awaited me. She was a young woman holding a notebook.
“So, what brings you in today?”
“I suspect that you are at the epicenter of very serious phenomenon.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Your waiting room has an incidence of several chronic disease much higher than the surrounding homes,” she said in a concerned voice.
“I’m sure I do—this is, after all, a doctor’s office.”
“Uch…you just don’t get it.”

And with that, she got up and left.

Mark V Dewooificator, with anti-crank crank

I decided to take a break. I walked out to the building’s lobby with a hot cup of coffee and sat down. A preacher was on the TV. I was starting to get a headache. A patient sitting next to me said, “Jesus wants you to be rich, you know.“
“Really? I’m not a Christian,” (he moved away from me on the group W bench), “but I thought Jesus preached that poverty had an inherent dignity and that wealth could be corrupting.”
“Well, I tithe regularly. I think it’s great that my church can support a nice lifestyle for our minister.“
“Have you even read the Bible?” I asked.

Another patient leaned over and said, “Thanks for sticking by my mom when she was so sick. God really brought her through.“
“Um, I actually spend hours and hours working on getting her better, you know. It was hard work. And a little luck.”
“Yes, it was truly a miracle! Praise God!”

I moved across the room and picked up the book I’ve been meaning to read.
A woman sitting next to me said, “You know, that’s the devil’s work.”
“Oh God,” I said, wishing for some peace and quiet. I put down Harry Potter and picked up the funnies. A man leaned over to me and said, “That, too, is the work of Satan.”
“Well, I’m never going to teach my daughter to have all of these irrational fears. I can’t in good conscience tell her a fairy tale is the truth.”
He uttered an audible gasp.
“At least Christians know better than to lie!”

I walked back into my office and sat down next to one of my colleagues.
He said, “Have you noticed all the crazies are out? It must be a full moon.”
“Yeah, no kidding. Hey, what’s that on your feet?”
“Oh, I’ve been feeling kinda punk. I’m detoxing.”

I took off my white coat and walked up to the front desk.

“Jennifer, I’m outta here. I’m going to my Skeptic’s 12-step meeting. No pages please.”
“So when are you going to answer all these phone calls, hot shot?”
“God will provide!” I shouted, laughing maniacally.

I walked into the room at the nearby school and grabbed a cup of coffee.

“Gosh, am I glad to see you folks. What a day!”
“Whattya mean, PAL?”

I described some of my encounters.

“Then, to top it off,” I said, “I told one guy he has to lose weight. He told me I was ’size-ist’ or something and stomped out.”

From across the room, a fellow said, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
“Wait, that’s not true. Scientists agree that there is…”
“Scientists agree? Scientists agree?? A real skeptic does not blindly accept so-called consensus! Doubt everything!”
“But aren’t some things eventually, you know, true?”

My head was pounding. I ran out of the room, got in my car. It was snowing hard. The next thing I know, I standing on clouds before a very large desk. God is looking down at me with cold, hard eyes.

“What am I doing here?” I ask.
“You had an aneurysm and drove into a lightpost,” she answered.

“No, that’s not what I mean. What am I doing here? I’ve never believed in you. I held your adherents in complete disdain. I was hard on my fellow man. And I still think you’re capricious and cruel. I never even took Pascal’s Wager.”

“Yeah, well life’s a bitch, and so am I. The afterlife’s not so bad though. You saved a few lives, so I’m giving you a break. I’ve been trying to teach humanity to stop being a bunch of suckers. I give them the most sophisticated brains on Earth, so much so that they’ve figured out cosmology, evolution, and how to program a VCR. I’ve assigned you a desk in the corner to keep up your work. Here’s your reading list—get to work! By the way, cake at Tolkein’s place at elevenses. Don’t be late. You’ll be meeting again with your office mates on the 17th. Be there. I don’t like being made to look foolish.. If you doubt me, ask Falwell. He’s down in that other place.”

Colonial-Era Dewooificator, attributed to Ben Franklin

I sat up suddenly, aching all over.
“Wha…what’s going on?”
“You were in an accident. You’ve been unconscious for two days. We need to do surgery, and we have a great new technique for anesthesia and pain control–without drugs!”
“Um, I want a second opinion. Do you have evidence to back up this technique?”
“Sure! We have lots of testimonials!,” answered Dr. Mercola.
“Nooooooooo!!!!!”

Contributors’ Links:

1. Happy Jihad’s House of Pancakes
2. The Digital Cuttlefish
3. Science After Sunclipse
4. Andrea’s Buzzing About
5. Bankrupt Artist v.3
6. Scientia Natura: Evolution and Rationality
7. Bankrupt Artist v.3
8. Ranting Daddy
9. Podblack Blog
10. Cectic - The Comic
11. Greta Christina’s Blog
12. Greta Christina’s Blog
13. Wandering Primate
14. The Saga of Runolfr
15. Denialism Blog
16. Aardvarchaeology
17. Respectful Insolence
18. Bay of Fundie
19. Evangelical Realism
20. Quackometer
21. Highlight Health
22. Archaeoporn
23. The Bad Idea Blog
24. The Skeptic’s Dictionary
25. The Bronze Blog
26. The Bronze Blog
27. RationalWiki
28. Finally, a great new blog combating woo in medicine. Don’t miss it!

If I forgot anyone, my sincere apologies. It wasn’t a matter of quality—the hospital’s been very busy over the holidays, so my mind has been on MIs, GI bleeds, etc.

Don’t forget the next meeting on the 17th at the Skeptical Surfer! Happy New Year!